Tuesday, September 13, 2011

True Bood Season Finale: Man Down!

True Blood Season 4 Episode 12: “And When I Die”

Blogging while I watch.

Season Finale Recap

Yup, Lafayette is possessed alright. Jesus gets a whiff of this just in time to get stabbed in the hand with a fork. Warning: do not try to feed the spirits eggs sunny side up. No molestar los spirites. That is how you say it in Spanish, right?

Sookie’s suffereing from Post Vampire Stress Disorder.

Now to Tommy’s funeral and only Sam and Miss Fortinberry are there to see him off.

“He was a devious little son of a bitch, but somewhere he had a good heart.” Damn, Miss Fortinberry, can we fit all that on his headstone? And sweet lord, I think Miss Fortinberry just adopted Sam.

But I really cannot concentrate on all of this melodrama while they’re playing the exact same guitar riff from Twilight. WTF is up with that?

Jason finally comes clean to Hoyt about sleeping with Jess. His response: kicking the bullshit out of him and telling him something about himself he really needs to know. He’s a selfish little dipshit who’ll never find love because he’s entirely incapable of using his brain. Hold up. Let me stand up and give Hoyt some applause.

Ok, this witch needs to get the hell up out my man. Seriously, I’m tired of spirits walking in and out of him like he’s a Super Target. At least I know Nelson is having fun flexing his acting abilities this season.

Marnie is out to get Jesus’ Mexican magic and she’s using Lafayette’s body to get it—and Jesus just has to throw in some non sequitur about how much “vampires fucking suck”.

And Arlene thinks “Zombies are the new vampires”.

Really, True Blood. Let the one-liners rest for a sec…Whoa…and now Jesus is dead.

Alcide drops in to Merlot’s to mope—and to tell Sookie that she needs to think less with her vampire loving heart and more with her, possible werewolf loving, head.

Now a crazy demon headed Marnie is on the loose in Lafayette’s body on Halloween.

She wastes no time with her vendetta and we find Eric and Bill chained together on a pyre…shirtless. This gives us all the perfect opportunity to decide who has the better body. Eric is taller and Bill is definitely more muscular. Sigh…True Blood, you really get me.

But pyres aren’t meant for strip teases, they’re meant to be lit…unfortunately.

I never thought I’d say this but, thank God for that gash in a sundress.  Sookie shows up with Tara and Holly in tow and they waste no time casting a spell to fight crazy demon Marnie.

The spell they cast rouses every southern loving spirit in Bon Temps to their rescue. I mean everyone rolls up there, from Sookie’s grandma to Robert E. Lee, ready to kill this bitch.

"Life sucks and then you die" seems to be the moral of this scene when Gran forces Marnie to give Lafayette up and take her miserable behind to the other side.

Since ghosts are just chilling out in Forks now, Remy’s spirit comes to warn Arlene to be wary of her husband Terry. His military past is about to catch up with him. This might have something to do with his old sergeant who just randomly showed up a couple minutes ago.

Poor Pam. She’s been tossed aside by her master for some fairy in a sundress.

Oh kinkiness alert!  Um…how does Sookie have enough blood to feed two vampires simultaneously? Nevermind… But of course this only leads to Sookie storming out after telling them that she chooses neither of them because that is the only solution to a love triangle her simple mind can fathom. No, Sookie, you could’ve hurt one vampire but now you’ve hurt two and have walked off with none.

Tragic. I feel like Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes. “Youuuu blew it!!!!!”
Hey guess what? That creepy reverend from season 2 is back and he’s a vampire! Called it!

Back at Bill’s house, Nan shows up with her guards and Eric calls them, “gay storm troopers.” Snap. Alright, Eric, better late with the one-liners than never,

Nan just got fired from the Vampire League…and they want Bill and Eric dead. So the three must join forces as they mutiny against big undead brother but not before Nan starts flapping off at the gums about how worthless that sundress fairy is.

Bill and Eric immediately slaughter her and her gay storm troopers because they be awesome together like that.  

Please, True Blood, never break this pair up. This is really the best I’ve seen them.

Bill and Eric…they’re like Superman and Batman...Spock and Kirk. They go so perfectly together. In fact, True Blood should cut out Sookie and the entire Bon Temps population, put these two on a couple of Harley Davidsons and set them on some random mission to “Slow Ride”. They would also be shirtless in this scenario.

You’re all welcome for the visual.  

But what of Pastor what’s his name? Are they really going to make me wait till next summer???

Shit. Debbie’s shows up in Sookie’s kitchen with a gun…so you better run—and Tara jumps in front of her, catching the bullet in the head. UNEXCEPTABLE!!!!!!

Sookie grabs Debbie’s gun and shoots her face off.
WTF!? No, True Blood. Just no. Nope nope nope. I REFUSE to accept that Tara is dead. Even though the season ends with Sookie holding her faceless body in her arms.
Sigh...At least she went out with a nice weave.

Even still...this was one of the best finales ever. But damn, Tara. Why?

Till next year, I guess. In the meantime, there’s always Vampire Diaries.

Anybody watch the season finale? What did you think?

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