Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Never Been Kissed: University, Frat Boys, and the Spies Who Love Them

As many may know, I graduated from Florida State University way back in 2009. And I’ve been a line marching, hum-drum beating, member of the adult society’s fold for quite awhile now. Well…that was before I went to Europe and came back to start living la vie boheme, or, as in we say in South Florida, La Vida Broka. Life has become quite interesting… in a good way. So… keeping with my newfound tradition of doing random things to blog about, I spent last week infiltrating my old University. Tallahassee: a Neverland filled with the Lost Homeboys; devoid of adults, a party city and a football town where pants are always optional and girls with pillow pets are old enough to drink. I was older, wiser, and most of all, I had mastered the art of coquetry.

Alright, I didn’t drive six hours to play “Josie Grossie” at my old Alma mater. The subplot: my best friend’s little sister was transferring into Florida State University and needed a “parent” to tote her around and attend her weeklong transfer student orientation. Since I know the lay of the land, I decided to tag along to this place that held so many mixed memories and a massive heartbreak of New Moon proportions (Boo. Hiss. Jeer!).

Ehem… Anyway, the campus is truly beautiful. By the end of orientation day 1, my friend and I were about to bust into the College of Sciences, kidnap a few engineering grad students, and enslave them until they built us a time machine that would send us back just in time to do college all over again. Commiserating on how youth is wasted on the youth, we observed the incoming class from their Rush Week flower dresses to their bright eyes—totally un-jaded by the economy, school loans, and all the accoutrements of college.

It’s like we didn’t live on the same planet; my friends were married, had babies, drank wine and went to art galleries. How soon I forget the days of drinking Natty Light, keg stands, and dorm fights. I had definitely lived my college life to the fullest. An idea struck us both: Let’s do it all over. One week. Why not? Doesn’t everyone secretly want to relive their youth knowing everything they do now?

Our mission took us from goons to sororities, from hipsters to homeboys. We ghosted through each scene like a couple of time travelers trying not to forever alter the collegiate universe with our presence.  

Older me doesn’t drink liquor—ever! I know the best vibe comes from wine and we weren’t afraid to order it at the club while everyone else doused their livers in cranberry vodkas. Older me only dances with a man if it’s face to face. “Missionary” dirty dancing is a little thing I picked up in Paris and I’m determined to start the trend here. So, whenever something like “Marvin Gay and Chardonnay” started playing and a college boy asked me to dance, I slinked my arms around his neck and rolled with the beat, whether that was what he had in mind or not. I heard no complaints nor did I have a problem filling my “dance card”. Actually, I think I taught a few boys a few things. J

Older me embraces her “odd duck” factor. If this blog hasn’t given it away, I’m a strange girl, reader: strange, socially awkward, and prone to nerdiness and cheesy outbursts. I wish I hadn’t spent my college years trying to streamline that into cuteness. Why not crack a cheesy joke in front of a bunch of boys KNOWING that everyone is going to groan and roll their eyes at you. Nervous sexual tension isn’t going to diffuse itself people! What?

I might have been under the influence of hipsters when I spent too much paper on my thick framed designer glasses, but I need them to see. Contacts? Pish posh. Yes, I went clubbing in a little black club dress and Steve Urkel frames. Sometimes I went in a sundress and flats. I just assumed whenever a college boy started teasing me about them, it was college speak for, “Your nerdy glasses intrigue me and I want to buy you a drink,” and took it all in stride. The adult me had her own fully formed idea of what sexy is, that has little to do with men, boys, or the like. I let the college girls resort to foux lesbianism and overt sensuality, the fools…

Older me has gotten over her Rizzo phase. Though a town full of vagina mongers has been known to loosen a young girl’s inhibitions faster than someone yelling out, “vampire” at a Charlaine Harris book club, this girl was playing Sandra Dee in this musical.

Okay, so I can hardly say I’ve “Never Been Kissed”—and I was never much of a Josie Grossie in college. If I had been, I would’ve gone back and kissed that Guy person the first day of school, punched that Jessica Alba skank in the face, and declared the Math Club the new leaders of the school. Not to mention that gorgeous teacher probably would have been a TA in college context… My college years were spent being overly dramatic, slightly reckless, and foolish due to a very sheltered upbringing. And although I’ll never regret punching that roommate in the face, jumping into that fountain, or standing up to that pretentious douche bag of a TA, I would have done a lot of things differently; I would have jumped into that fountain at least 10 more times! But really, getting to spend a week in college town and having all of the fun and none of the textbooks made me appreciate how much I’ve grown up since then. I’ve outgrown that place, those boys, and those parties, though it was fun revisiting all 3. I had a blast reliving my past, but I’m glad I’ve grown and learned from my mistakes and thankful that unlike many, I’m at the point in my life where I’m ready to turn my heard and look forward to what’s ahead of me.


Sally said...

I love this entry-an entertaining read! It's one of my favorites (I don't know why), but I just wish I was part of it! I wish I could reminiscence the college days of 3 months ago! I hope that the next adventure will include me =)

Lish said...

Of course! My advgentures usually include u...remember Atlanta...or the rape machanic? Hahaha! We have to plan out another interesting adventure soon! Thanks for the love!