Tuesday, July 26, 2011

True Blood Ep 5: "That’s Some Catchy Shit for Your Headstone"

True Blood Season 4, Episode 5 Recap

"The Devil And Me"

Blogging while I watch. And a little Comic-Con Action

Okay... The show opens up with Tommy, who was tricked by his mom into thinking she’d ended things with her abusive husband Jolie. It was all just a trap to get the young shifter back in the dog fighting ring. Must resist urge to make Michael Vick joke. Resist, I say!

Anyway, Jolie ropes the poor boy by his neck and essentially tells him that he’s going to break his spirit like a wild horse.

Tommy breaks free and kills Jolie and his mother by accident.

Back in the woods, Marnie’s back at it with her “Did I do that” routine. Pissed, and rightly so, Lafayette schools her with, “Hooker you pissed of another vampire and took a goddamn nap.” Everyone has had it with Marnie singing “It Wasn’t Me” so they finally peace the hell out on her.

Arlene has gone from thinking her baby is possessed to thinking Rene’s ghost is haunting them. Terry is all, “We need to pull some Poltergeist shit up in here,” and Arlene is like, “But what if God hates us cause we suck,” and Terry’s like, “Nah, baby only you suck. God loves me.” Off they go to find a priest and some holy water.

“You hear that, Rene? God’s comin’ for you.”-Arlene

And Godric is coming for Eric, apparently. So Eric’s ghost daddy, Godric, comes back from the true death to remind Eric how terrible he is. Since Eric forgot how terrible he is, he tries to defend a sleeping Sookie from ghost rape of Grey’s Anatomy proportions. Godric schools Eric on the lions and the lambs, and basically tells him forget the whole “love” business and drain the half fairy. He succumbs but wakes up; it was all a dream sequence. Booooo!

Because this show wants to remind us that they’re set in Louisiana, Portia storms into Bill’s office to convince him that incest is ok. She doesn’t seem to grasp that Bill has no interest in continuing a fling with his great, great, granddaughter, so Bill has to glamour it out of her.

Pam: “You fuck with my face, it’s time to die.” Good lord! That is one ugly bee keeper!

Zombie Pam is livid. She demands Bill grant her the permission to kill and torture Marnie, Tara, Lafayette, and Jesus. Since the Vampire League has got their pro-human agenda balls deep in his throat, he doesn’t allow it. Instead he suggests some, “Extra lipstick”.

Lafayette and Jesus steal off to Mexico and Tara decides to go back to New Orleans. Why Mexico? Jesus’ granddaddy is some evil Mexican sorcerer and they need his magic to protect them from zombie Pam and infantile Eric.

Flashback to Mexican Lord Voldemort forcing young Jesus to slaughter a goat and lick the knife. Eww. Mommy, PETA, anybody!? Jesus asserts that when he licked that knife he felt some awesome goat powers inside of him, so it’s time to go back to Mexico to re-up the goat magic. Lafayette just shakes his head bemusedly and calls Jesus, “Goat killer”. Sigh… true love.

Now Arlene… I have no words. So um… the exorcists Terry called are Rev Daniels and Tara’s mom, now Mrs. Daniels. Arlene is shocked—not because this is a stupid idea but because they’re black. Terry’s like, “What? They’re livelier than our pastor,” and then they all have a rag tag revival in the living room.

Sookie goes undercover to scope out Marnie’s shop, but somehow ends up botching her plans after Marnie channels Sookie’s dead grandma, who tells Sookie that the new man in her life (namely Eric) is temporary and warns her not to fall for him. Since Sookie can read minds, she hears the voice of her Gran through Marnie telling her to stay the hell away from this crazy woman. Marnie starts arguing with Gran in her mind and Sookie plays it smart for once and scrambles out of there.

No sooner than Sookie leaves, Bill’s spy, Miss Bellum, shows up with a human SWAT team and captures Marnie.

Jesus and Lafayette arrive in Mexico, at an alarming speed, where Mexican Voldemort’s been waiting for them… Ese. Alright, I’m sorry. I had to get it out my system. Last one, I promise!

Since Jason took Jessica’s blood, he’s having some pretty kinky dreams about Jessica…and Hoyt.

Once again, Sookie chooses a man over her fondest friend. Tara comes over to Sookie’s and pours her heart out only to find out that she’s been secretly harboring her mortal enemy. Remember when Eric tried to kill her or when he tortured her cousin for days? Anyway, Sookie essentially tells Tara to get over it.

When Eric realizes just how big of an asshole he really is, he tries to flee but Sookie stops him, disregards her Gran’s warning, and the two have a very heated make-out session that is about a sexy as watching Doug Hutchinson Hutchison molest his 16 year old child bride.

I’m sorry, I might have praised Skarsgard for his performance before, but he’s definitely over egging the pudding; he’s not boyish he’s… like a fragile child. How the hell am I supposed to be down with Team Eric when Sookie is being so maternal and Eric’s acting like a between a traumatized war victim with Peter Pan syndrome? There is NOTHING SEXY ABOUT THAT!

What can necromancer witches do? They can cast a spell to raise thousands of sleeping vampires and force them to walk into a sunny death. So I see why Bill was taking this so seriously before.

Pam rants: “Oh forget about all that. Look at my rotting face,” and accidentally lets it slip that Eric’s lost his memories. Bill demands to know where he is and she confesses that he’s been at Sookie’s all along.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

BTW that creepy, nasty, and weird 51 year old who married the 16 year olds name is Doug Hutchison not Hutchinson.